Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Rice Boobs

MYTH: The Japanese are one of the most fashion forward cultures in the world.
FACT: The Japanese have recently invented a bra that allows wearers to grow their own rice in plastic pots that double as the cups.

Must be some sort of attempt to distract the rest of the world from the fact that most of their women are lacking in the chest department, suffering through life with indents or mosquito bites at best.

This thing turns the idea of fashion over function right on its damn head. The pots can be filled with soil and rice seedlings, and the a-hole wearer waters the rice with a hose that doubles as a belt. If you ask me, you're better off wearing no damn bra at all and letting those headlights glare right through for the whole world to see.

A spokesperson for the company behind the bra tries to justify their reasoning, claiming that young Japanese women have taken a tremendous interest in agriculture over the past year. If you're that interested in agriculture then pick up a damn hoe, hoe, and get to work!

I'd rather wear the sushi set or solar paneled bra that the same company makes. At least I'd get a good meal or sweet tan out of the deal.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Ham Wallet

This picture teaches us 2 very valuable lessons:
1. Don't google ham wallet
2. Don't ever take a picture that would make even your mother hate you

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Friday, May 14, 2010

How to Look Like an A-hole at the Bar

And the stupid inventions never end folks! A college student in Scotland came up with "The Sound Bubble", a "solution" for chatty pub patrons who can't hear their friends.

I use the word solution very loosely because this sounds more like a problem to me. Designed to block out backgroud noise, it's a clear plastic helmet that covers everything from the neck up.

"There's that frustrating situation of trying to catch up with a friend in a busy bar. You want to hear their news and have a proper chat, but you have to shout over the din of music, chatter and clinking glasses," said inventor Elaine McLuskey, 23. Newsflash Elaine: if you're wearing this idiotic piece of shit then you shouldn't be in a bar or even in public for that matter. Plus you're a dbag for using the word din.

How are you supposed to bump and grind with people if you're wearing a fishbowl on your head? Elaine has clearly been experiencing a 23-year dry spell. She makes me embarassed to be Scottish.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Slide Fail

1. What a-hole engineered this slide?
2. What kinda of a-hole parents let their kids on this thing?

Thursday, May 6, 2010

Tool of the Week: Me

Ich bin traurig. I am a terrible person and revoke yesterday's post mocking Bieber. It has come to my attention that not only does Biebs know what German is, he has German ancestors and even speaks German. Here's the proof for you naysayers out there:

"I thought this interviewer in NZ said 'Jewman' instead of 'German' people think I don't know what German is?".

"I count in GERMAN and translate my own name. Guess I know what German is. Guess home schooling is working out. Do your research next time b4 making a lame attempt at hating on a 16 year old."

Well said cutie pie. It's official, me and Biebs are back in business.

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Tool Move by a Cool Dude

This might just be a deal break for me and Biebs...

Trust me boo, we do say that in America. In fact, the whole world minus you uses the word "German."

Monday, May 3, 2010

Celeb Tool of the Month: Jesse James

A Letter To Jesse James :

You stupid bastard! You cheated on Sandra Bullock? How in the world can you be so stupid?

You are married to one of the most beautiful women in the world. She has a body to die for and her current wealth shadowed only by Oprah. Your wife recently beat out Julia Roberts in the polls and is now named "America's Sweetheart."

You also remember, she just won an Oscar and praised you up and down in front of the world while you were porkin’ away.

You are really a piece of work! You are the most hated asshole cheater on the planet! How can you live with yourself!

I only have one thing to say to the despicable, miserable, cheating piece of sh*t that you are:

Thanks for taking the heat off of me. Let’s do lunch.