So many things wrong with this, I think the better question is what did she do right.
1. Aunt Jemima called, she wants her bandana back.
2. Your pants are too tight if it looks like your ass is eating them.
3. What blind man did you find to rub massage oil all over you?
4. Socks + sandals = not okay. Unless you're on your way to soccer practice, which something tells me you're not.
5. I hope you're in line to buy a new wardrobe, or at least something modest enough to make God stop hating you.