Wednesday, March 31, 2010

You call this art?

Stupid creation of the week: Vagina Plaques

That's right girls - if staring at your lady bits all day wasn't enough, now you and everybody else can forever gawk at your girl parts. The artist behind these uses clay and fur mounted on a wooden plaque to make these vag molds. What would compel one to do such a thing you might ask? The artist's friend Pussy Face (yes that's her actual nickname)got pencil stabbed in the vag by her bro and was left with a nasty scar.

To show Pussy Face that her damaged goods were not so damaged after all, the artist created a poon plaque for her. Good attempt artist friend but if you were a real pal, you would've grabbed the closest staple remover/hole puncher/office supply and used it to castrate the pervy brother.

In true artistic form, these come in a variety of hair colors and styles to ensure that the plaque matches the carpet. With so many varieties, these make great gifts for everyone on your Mother's Day/bday/Christmas shopping list:

For your dog:

For your g-ma:

For the troll in your life:

Monday, March 29, 2010

Tool and his fool gf

The worst part: this unibrowed, porcupine-haired, popped-collar tool has a decently hot gf. Wake up sweetheart and get yourself a new man who knows that even one popped collar is one too many!!

Friday, March 26, 2010

F*ck Up Friday

Yes, that is an electrical outlet. Floating on flip-flops. In a pool.

Thursday, March 25, 2010

Priceless Wedding Pic

Somebody's not too thrilled with the new stepmom...

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Tricky Tuesday

Woo do these fools think they're fooling?

Monday, March 22, 2010

Happy Monday

Whether it's laziness or sheer stupidity, some people just have a permanent case of the Mondays...

Friday, March 19, 2010

Freaky Friday

No words for these...

Thursday, March 18, 2010

A-hole cover for a-hole pet owners

For you fools out there who purchased Neuticles, we have yet another pet product for you to waste your money on. Thanks to the latest in ass-inine products, you can now make your pet feel as embarassed as other people feel for you.

"Is your pet feeling left in the dirt because of his/her unsightly rear? I’ve got them covered… Rear Gear is handmade in Portland, OR and offers a cheerful solution to be-rid your favorite pet’s un-manicured back side."

For those fashionistas out there who wouldn't want to cover their dog's dirthole with just a plain old sticker, Rear Gear comes in a variety of designs. The possibilities are endless - smiley face, disco ball, heart, flower AND even a cupcake for those of you who want small children to try to taste your dog's backside.

If she can't even bear the sight of it, why is this pervy girl okay with having her head so close to her dog's tush? More imporantly, when did Miley Cyrus and Jennifer Aniston have a baby?

Chris Hardwick with The Nerdist says it best:
"Tired of staring at your dog’s ugly crap crevice? Well slap a sticker over that winker!

Whether you’re trying to conceal unsightly puckering or reduce temptation for your weird dog anus fetish, Rear Gear has a butthole cover for YOU. What happens when your dog starts pooping? I dunno! But I imagine it would be somewhat similar to having someone push a cake under a door and into a carpet. I guess you’d have to get one and then wait patiently while creepily focused on your dog’s ass with an unblinking eye to find out for sure.

Thanks, Rear Gear! This might motivate me to finally make a lipstick cap for awkward dog boners."

A-hole ABC's

I don't care how bendable you are, these tools should be downright embarassed. Not okay to flaunt your flexibility in full body spandex.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Dumbest Life Goal EVER

You'd think she might have some brain cells in that 600 pounds sloppy bod of hers, what a fool...

New Jersey Woman Attempting to Become World's Fattest Woman

(New York Post) - A New Jersey woman who already weighs a whopping 600 pounds is on a mission to almost double her girth in a bid to become the world's fattest woman, according to a report Monday.

Donna Simpson, 42, who lives in Old Bridge, N.J. said she has her sights on reaching the 1,000-pound mark over the next two years.

"My favorite food is sushi, but unlike others I can sit and eat 70 big pieces of sushi in one go," she told London's Daily Mail in an interview published Monday. "I do love cakes and sweet things, doughnuts are my favorite."

Simpson insists she is healthy, even though she can't walk and has to move around with the help of a motorized scooter.

Simpson, who wears XXXXXXXL dresses, said she gobbles up lots of fast food like hamburgers and french fries. She also said she moves as little as possible each day in order to keep on the pounds.

Not okay

To reach her goal, Simpson said she's been eating up to 12,000 calories a day -- although the average woman should only consume 2,000.

To pay for her gigantic $750-a-week food bill, Simpson runs a Web site where men pay her to watch her eat.

"I love eating and people love watching me eat,' she told the British newspaper."It makes people happy, and I'm not harming anyone."

Simpson already holds the Guinness World Record as the fattest mother, when she gave birth in 2007 to her daughter Jacqueline when she weighed 532 pounds.

"I'd love to be 1,000 pounds," said Simpson. "It might be hard though. Running after my daughter keeps my weight down."

Simpson said her boyfriend Philippe, 49, has encouraged her to eat more -- even though he only weighs 150 pounds.

"I think he'd like it if I was bigger," she added. "He's a real belly man, and completely supports me."

Key takeaways:
1 - Her claims that she is healthy - wake up you whale, the fact that you can't WALK says otherwise.
2- Website where people supposedly pay to watch her eat. Is this her version of fat girl porn? More importantly, what sorts of kinky creepers pay to watch that?
3- Her bf encourages her to eat more. What a perfect match for her, they can be crackheads together.

Friday, March 12, 2010

A-hole Invention of the Week

Bringing you ladies the latest fashion ass-essory, just in time for the weekend! Now appearing on every girl's wishlist: a baseball cap with built-in ponytail.

Are you f*in kidding me? If you're feeling grungy/sporty enough to wear a baseball cap in the first place, the perfectly curled platinum blonde ponytail poking out is entirely unnecessary. Not to mention, the synthetic hair looks so fake that a blind person couldn't help but notice. Unfortunately these only come in blonde. Fine for me but sure sucks for you brunettes/gingers out there.

If you're dumb enough to buy this in the first place, then you're probably dumb enough to spend the $17 on it. Didn't realize it cost that much to make Chinese toddlers put these together in sweatshops. If you're feeling really bold and willing to take a fashion risk, feel free to ghetto-ize this even further by cutting out your favorite team's logo and securing it to the front of the hat with tape/glue/bubblegum.

Thursday, March 11, 2010

In the spirit of St. Patty's Day...

Key takeways:
1. AMATEUR SKETCH - check out 0:45
2. Crackhead
3. Leprechaun flute - let's be serious, your great great grandaddy was about as Irish as Jay-Z

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

How to tell it's time to switch jobs

And you thought you were having a bad day...

Monday, March 8, 2010

Because I'm a terrible person...

Who is this host and how do I become friends with him?

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Olympic Recap

My first ever blog post celebrated the beloved moose knuckle so I figured it would be a great way to kick off the month and recap the Vancouver Winter Olympics. As riveting as the Olympic games were, perhaps more important than the medal count is this year's knuckle count. Whether it's Germany, Canada or the US, one thing is certain - spandex athletic wear is not very forgiving on even the tiniest of man parts.

Apparently Germans are packing heat in places besides just the bobsled track...

Guess it's hard to stop your jingle jangles from getting all squished in when you're moving at 80 mph...

Yay for moose knuckles!

Pleather + knuckle = Olympic fashion disaster

Between the unibrow, creeper face AND moose knuckle, this poor guy has nothing going for him...