Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Day #7: Top Tools of 2009

7. Kanye West

And the award for Cockiest Cockhead of 2009 goes to...wait, is he gonna interrupt me and say that Beyonce really deserved this one too? I'm surprised this tool hasn't told Obama he's not worthy of the presidency. No matter what way you shake it, his little stunt at the VMAs was a dick move. The worst part was he wasn't stealing the thunder from any old pop-singing slut, it was young, innocent little Taylor. This dbag needs to pick on someone his own size. Unless him and Beyonce are secretly smushing, there's no reason he should feel that strongly about the Single Ladies video. Please Kanye, put the bottle of Hennessy away and sit the hell down.

Side note: Thank you Beyonce for being such a class act and attempting to salvage at least some of TSwift's nite.

Monday, December 28, 2009

Day #6: Top Tools of 2009

6. Chris Brown

In the spirit of Christmas, I took a minor hiatus from my top tools list. Christmas is over, the bitch in me is back and we only have a few days left to wrap this up. Getting back to the list, #6 is the most abusive, villainous, hate-able tool of the year. I don't care how much you liked "Forever," this guy will forever be a tool in my book.

Signs You're a Huge D-Bag:
- You beat a woman
- You beat a beautiful, talented, famous woman
- You beat a beautiful, talented, famous woman leaving a party that every celeb and their mom was at

Repulsive. Even more repulsive is the community sentence service he got away with. He deserves to have his vocal chords sliced out so he can never utter another disgusting word.

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Day #5: Top Tools of 2009

5. Lady Gaga

Dear Gaga -
Love your music but these outfits are not okay. You should really venture outside the box and try pants sometime.

P.S. - That motorcycle video was just a tease, can you please just show It already?

Monday, December 21, 2009

Day #4: Top Tools of 2009

4. Octomom
Time to close your legs and put the turkey baster away for awhile Octomom! It was just about a year ago that this fool gave birth to octuplets. After she already had six other young kiddos at home and was only getting by on welfare. Mind you these babies were the result of in vitro fertilisation. To spell it out: It's not like the condom broke, she made a calculated choice to have all these babies despite the fact that she was already a broke ass bitch. Now I go through broke spells myself now and again but I know better than to pop out a litter of babies just for shits and giggles.

Even these poor babies don't think this is fun...

The worst part - she recently told GMA she's open to the idea of having more kids. America is begging you, give your uterus a break!!


Friday, December 18, 2009

Day #3: Top Tools of 2009

3. Most Unsportsmanlike Tool of 2009: Serena Williams
Although she's twice my size and probably 10 times as strong, I wanna backhand this bitch...with a tennis racket. After receiving a call she didn't like, the #1 ranked female player in tennis cursed at and threatened to force-feed a tennis ball to the tiny lineswoman. On national TV. During one of the most watched tennis events of the year.

Boo hoo. I'm surprised she didn't throw down her racket, stomp her man feet and start throwing a temper tantrum like a toddler. Somebody needs to put on her big girl panties and grow the hell up. I don't know much about tennis but I do know that she's getting paid wayyyy to much money to have outbursts like this. She got off easy with the $82,500 fine. If I was the tennis police this biatch would get bumped from the No. 1 spot and be forced to financially support that poor lineswoman for the rest of her life. God knows she probably doesn't wanna set foot on a tennis court ever again, especially if that beast is playing.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Day #2: Top Tools of 2009

2. Most Pathetic Tool of 2009: Jessica Simpson
Oh boy, where to start with this girl. I was and still am a huge fan of J. Simp minus her movie roles - I don't care how hot her legs look in booty shorts, The Dukes of Hazzard is a poor excuse for a movie. Sharing a birth month, blonde locks, and a love of 98 Degrees, I can't help but relate to her. However, this year brought me nothing but embarassment when it came to Jessica.

Moping around and still mourning her divorce from Nick, she was pathetic and almost as emo as her bro-in-law Pete Wentz. Time to get over it and move on sista, Nick's doing big things now - like Vanessa Minnillo and hosting The Sing-Off. Good attempt at a rebound bf with Tony Romo, but she did nothing but screw up his game and make Cowboy fans wish she would die a slow miserable death. Yet another sad saga, as he dumps her only to get engaged to another hot blonde and former Miss Missouri.

Naturally the breakup made Jessica blew up like a whale - which might be acceptable for the average joe but doesnt fly when you're loaded enough to buy your own gym, nevermind hire a good personal trainer. To add to her misery, her precious maltipoo Daisy was gobbled up by a coyote. Boo hoo. Jessica should've kept the damn pup in her Louis Vuitton dog carrier for another few minutes and this never would've happened.

This may have been the worst year of your life but keep your head up Jess- go buy a new puppy, keep up with your workout routine, and meet up with Ken Paves for a blowout and drinks. After a few cosmos you'll be feeling fine. And just remember - these boots were made for walkin'!

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

12 Days of Christmas: Top Tools of 2009

Christmas is around the corner and New Year's not too far behind! As 2009 comes to a close, I'm bringing you 12 Days of Christmas. And in typical Tool Time style, each day will feature one of the biggest tools of the past year. Whether their stupidity made us laugh or brought us to tears, they certainly made this year eventful!

1. Kicking off the list are the fools behind my favorite news story of the year - Richard and Mayumi Heene aka Balloon Boy's parents. I could think of 100 better things to do with tin foil, but these idiots decided to craft a UFO shaped balloon and plot one of the biggest hoaxes of the year.

Claiming that their 6-yr-old son was on the board, these bullshit artists tearfully expressed fears that their little Falcon could be inside. Surprise, surprise - the kid was hiding in the attic the whole time. In an interview with Wolf Blitzer, Falcon revealed "You guys said we did this for the show." Props to Falcon for calling BS on his d-bag parents and their pathetic publicity stunt.

My favorite part of this story: Poor little Falcon vomiting in a tupperware container on national TV as his bros look on in disgust and his fame-whore parents continue with the interview. DYFS please???

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Just Say No

Best quote EVER: "I think we're dead"

Who would trust this fool with a gun, or even handcuffs for that matter!