Monday, June 28, 2010

Why You Should Only D.U.I.

Dancing while intoxicated means its okay to fall on your head.

Chick Faceplants At Worst Band Ever - Watch more Funny Videos

Friday, June 25, 2010

These people shouldn't be allowed to own pets...

I can't tell who's more pissed, the dad or the monkey in the flannel shirt.

Someone's confused about the phrase "reverse cowgirl."

I almost thought that was baby Jesus for a second!

Worst.Prom Dates.Ever.


Thursday, June 24, 2010

Read These Lips

No matter how badly you want the world to see your clambox, camel toes are never okay. NEVER. Your whispering eye is meant to be just that - WHISPERING. Fear no more ladies - the a-hole invention of the week will make sure your private parts remain private.

Camelflage panties were specifically designed to smooth out your lady bits. To simplify it for you, a little swatch of fabric is sewn into these undies. Kinda like a shield for your little lady.

The website touts: "You have enough to worry about these days; the last thing you need to think about is your panties riding up during your cardio kick boxing class." Listen, when I go to a cardio kick boxing class, I typically have more important things to worry about than a camel toe - like swamp ass or the fact that I might murder someone if the instructor makes me do throw another left jab.

Also on the website: "You will feel safe and secure knowing you aren't 'that girl' everyone is laughing at behind your back." Question - how can you see someone's camel toe from the back? Last I checked, that's called a wedgie.

Ladies beware - camel toes happen to the best of us.

They can strike anywhere...

At any time...

And they can get veryyy ugly.

Friday, June 18, 2010

In honor of the World Cup...

WTF was the England goalie thinking?

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Nip Nonsense

Call me crazy but I thought the goal was to avoid having hard nipples in public, not show them off. Apparently I was mistaken as crackhead ladies are not only wanting to flaunt their nips, but going so far as to BUY (yes, spend real money) on equipment that will help them do just that.

For ladies who want permanently hard bitties, Bodyperks Nipple Enhancers makes silicon nipples worn over real nipples so women can literally pop out in a crowd. Similar to a mini suction cup, these are kind of like party hats for the twins. And who the hell doesn't like party hats?

Weird, I thought I was the only one that did the Statue of Liberty every time I got hard nitties.

They even come in every flavor -



Like their website says, "Men love nipples! The possibilities for fun are endless! Whether you're out on the town or playing volleyball, bodyperks comfortably stay in place and give you the added attraction of playful, fun breasts."

Dont leave home without 'em, you wouldnt want to get caught on the volleyball court without hard nips now would you?? For $20, I personally think you're better off sticking a couple of Hershey kisses in your bra. At least that way you'll have a snack later on.

P.S. Check out the girls they have as "models" on their website. Woof. These chicks have bigger problems to worry about then hard nips.

Thursday, June 10, 2010


Rule of thumb: If you're still shitting in a diaper, you should not be smoking a cig.

This 2-year-old Sumatran tot still wears diapers but has gotten so hooked on cigarettes that he smokes about 40 a day. His dbag dad gave him his first puff when he was a year and a half old and it's been downhill ever since. Now he throws tantrums when he doesn't meet his 2-pack-a-day quota.

It's normal for toddlers to throw tantrums - when they don't get the toy/candy/bedtime they want. It's NOT normal for a toddler to scream, bang his head against the wall and complain he's dizzy when he doesn't get his cigarette fix.

His father who fed him his first cig claims, "He looks pretty healthy to me. I don't see the problem." Sumatra must not have DYFS. Instead of hauling this dad's ass to jail, they're bribing the family with a car if they can get him to quit.

Get this kid some friggen candy cigarettes, a bubblegum cigar, something, anything to wean him off his bad habit. I'll be collecting donations for Nicorette patches if anyone's interested in contributing.