Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Worst Invention EVER: Neuticles

Testicle implants for neutered dogs? This has got to be some sort of a sick joke. The company's website boasts that they allow your pet "to retain his natural look, self esteem and aids in the trauma associated with neutering." The only line on their site more ludicrous than that is their motto: "It's like nothing ever changed."

Weird that people are so concerned about dogs feeling manly about themselves. Last I checked, we don't have foreskin implants for dudes that have been circumcised.

For those of you silly enough to consider purchasing these things, fear not about offending your dog's manhood. There are 4 anatomically correct varieties - rigid firmness, natural firmness, UltraPlus and UltraPLUS with Epididymis (if you're going for that walrus look).



The only thing worse than Neuticles? Neuticle apparel for the jerkoffs that support stupid inventions.

Adding this to my Christmas wishlist...


Next on this company's agenda: ear implants for dogs with droopy ears. Seriously.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Best Billboard EVER



Things to note:
1. Yes, this is indeed a real life billboard.
2. And yes, I took this picture hanging out the door of a moving vehicle on the highway in the rain.

Friday, January 15, 2010

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Crackhead

Not a huge Idol fan but I'm posting this in the hopes that it'll give this guy a shot at stardom...

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Not sure if you're a dbag?



http://www.holytaco.com

Friday, January 8, 2010

Day # 12: Top Tool of 2009

So announcing the Top Tool of 2009 may be somewhat anticlimatic, but this individual is far too deserving to let him slip by. I'll go so far as to say that not only is he the biggest tool of the year, but also the most disappointing athlete of the decade and the best example of how NOT to handle a PR crisis.

Top Tool Tiger and 7 Reasons He Topped the List



And if that wasn't enough proof, here are Reasons #8 and 9. Yes, these are his adorably sweet children. The ones he left at home to partake in threesomes, romp stomps and other dirty sexcapades. Despite the fact that he was married- to a REALLY HOT WIFE.



I'm gonna go vom, thinking about this jerkoff is making me sick. So that's all folks. Whether you loved it or wanna fight me over some of my picks, I hope this top tool list at least kept you entertained!

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Day #11: Top Tools of 2009

11. Speidi

As much as it pains me to include them because they'd probably enjoy the attention, this obnoxious couple makes the list for being two of the most overexposed celebs of the year. On "I'm a Celebrity...Get Me Out of Here", the TV sluts pussed out after claiming that they were being tortured and held against their will. Who would want to keep these people anywhere? If I had to take bets, I'd say the rest of the cast chipped in and paid them to leave. To make matters worse, Heidi & Spence are totally open about being fame whores as evidenced in their book "How to Be Famous." The only thing worse than this book is Heidi's music video. I am embarassed for them.

Too bad they didn't contract swine :(



P.S. - Don't ever pick a fight with my boy Al Roker again. He may have lost half his body weight but he could still destroy both of you with his eyes closed.

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Day #10: Top Tools of 2009

10. Miley Cyrus
I like her music but she sucks as a person.

Photo Evidence:



Not a fan of incest, I think she took "daddy's little girl" too literally.



She was allowed to pose for this at age 15? Doesn't this qualify as kiddy porn?

Monday, January 4, 2010

Day #9: Top Tools of 2009

9. Snooki Beater

This tool makes the list for perhaps the most notorious right hook of 2009. This guy is a teacher? As in he's educating America's youth? He should retire immediately and start training for UFC. Or run in front of traffic. Snooki may be obnoxious at times and he may have been shit tanked but there is NEVER an excuse to hit a girl, nevermind sucker punch one the way he did. Where is this boy's mother?

He claims: "It's all fuzzy. I remember a punch — I don't remember who or why. I couldn't believe that I'd ever do anything like that." Yea I bet, dbag.



Side tool: "The Situation" and all 8 of his abs for still trying to mack it to girls outside the bar even after Snickerdoodle got decked.

Sunday, January 3, 2010

Day #8: Top Tools of 2009

8. Jon & Kate (minus 8)

Her: An overbearing, anal retentive ex-wife and mother who needs a stronger dose of Valium (and to never let anyone see her prego or pre-tummy tuck ever again)

Woof


Him: A sloppy man slut who preys on young, media-whore women and missed the memo that Ed Hardy tees went out of style with trucker hats

Sloppy


I can't say I blame them for being such terrible individuals, they're from east bumblef*ck PA and probably had nothing better to do than suck at life. I do blame them for the media circus they have thrown their adorable kids into. If they really wanna create a buzz, Jon should start bangin Octomom. The only good that came out of 2009 for the Gosselins was Kate's new haircut...