Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Day #7: Top Tools of 2009

7. Kanye West

And the award for Cockiest Cockhead of 2009 goes to...wait, is he gonna interrupt me and say that Beyonce really deserved this one too? I'm surprised this tool hasn't told Obama he's not worthy of the presidency. No matter what way you shake it, his little stunt at the VMAs was a dick move. The worst part was he wasn't stealing the thunder from any old pop-singing slut, it was young, innocent little Taylor. This dbag needs to pick on someone his own size. Unless him and Beyonce are secretly smushing, there's no reason he should feel that strongly about the Single Ladies video. Please Kanye, put the bottle of Hennessy away and sit the hell down.

Side note: Thank you Beyonce for being such a class act and attempting to salvage at least some of TSwift's nite.

Monday, December 28, 2009

Day #6: Top Tools of 2009

6. Chris Brown

In the spirit of Christmas, I took a minor hiatus from my top tools list. Christmas is over, the bitch in me is back and we only have a few days left to wrap this up. Getting back to the list, #6 is the most abusive, villainous, hate-able tool of the year. I don't care how much you liked "Forever," this guy will forever be a tool in my book.

Signs You're a Huge D-Bag:
- You beat a woman
- You beat a beautiful, talented, famous woman
- You beat a beautiful, talented, famous woman leaving a party that every celeb and their mom was at

Repulsive. Even more repulsive is the community sentence service he got away with. He deserves to have his vocal chords sliced out so he can never utter another disgusting word.

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Day #5: Top Tools of 2009

5. Lady Gaga

Dear Gaga -
Love your music but these outfits are not okay. You should really venture outside the box and try pants sometime.

P.S. - That motorcycle video was just a tease, can you please just show It already?

Monday, December 21, 2009

Day #4: Top Tools of 2009

4. Octomom
Time to close your legs and put the turkey baster away for awhile Octomom! It was just about a year ago that this fool gave birth to octuplets. After she already had six other young kiddos at home and was only getting by on welfare. Mind you these babies were the result of in vitro fertilisation. To spell it out: It's not like the condom broke, she made a calculated choice to have all these babies despite the fact that she was already a broke ass bitch. Now I go through broke spells myself now and again but I know better than to pop out a litter of babies just for shits and giggles.

Even these poor babies don't think this is fun...

The worst part - she recently told GMA she's open to the idea of having more kids. America is begging you, give your uterus a break!!


Friday, December 18, 2009

Day #3: Top Tools of 2009

3. Most Unsportsmanlike Tool of 2009: Serena Williams
Although she's twice my size and probably 10 times as strong, I wanna backhand this bitch...with a tennis racket. After receiving a call she didn't like, the #1 ranked female player in tennis cursed at and threatened to force-feed a tennis ball to the tiny lineswoman. On national TV. During one of the most watched tennis events of the year.

Boo hoo. I'm surprised she didn't throw down her racket, stomp her man feet and start throwing a temper tantrum like a toddler. Somebody needs to put on her big girl panties and grow the hell up. I don't know much about tennis but I do know that she's getting paid wayyyy to much money to have outbursts like this. She got off easy with the $82,500 fine. If I was the tennis police this biatch would get bumped from the No. 1 spot and be forced to financially support that poor lineswoman for the rest of her life. God knows she probably doesn't wanna set foot on a tennis court ever again, especially if that beast is playing.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Day #2: Top Tools of 2009

2. Most Pathetic Tool of 2009: Jessica Simpson
Oh boy, where to start with this girl. I was and still am a huge fan of J. Simp minus her movie roles - I don't care how hot her legs look in booty shorts, The Dukes of Hazzard is a poor excuse for a movie. Sharing a birth month, blonde locks, and a love of 98 Degrees, I can't help but relate to her. However, this year brought me nothing but embarassment when it came to Jessica.

Moping around and still mourning her divorce from Nick, she was pathetic and almost as emo as her bro-in-law Pete Wentz. Time to get over it and move on sista, Nick's doing big things now - like Vanessa Minnillo and hosting The Sing-Off. Good attempt at a rebound bf with Tony Romo, but she did nothing but screw up his game and make Cowboy fans wish she would die a slow miserable death. Yet another sad saga, as he dumps her only to get engaged to another hot blonde and former Miss Missouri.

Naturally the breakup made Jessica blew up like a whale - which might be acceptable for the average joe but doesnt fly when you're loaded enough to buy your own gym, nevermind hire a good personal trainer. To add to her misery, her precious maltipoo Daisy was gobbled up by a coyote. Boo hoo. Jessica should've kept the damn pup in her Louis Vuitton dog carrier for another few minutes and this never would've happened.

This may have been the worst year of your life but keep your head up Jess- go buy a new puppy, keep up with your workout routine, and meet up with Ken Paves for a blowout and drinks. After a few cosmos you'll be feeling fine. And just remember - these boots were made for walkin'!

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

12 Days of Christmas: Top Tools of 2009

Christmas is around the corner and New Year's not too far behind! As 2009 comes to a close, I'm bringing you 12 Days of Christmas. And in typical Tool Time style, each day will feature one of the biggest tools of the past year. Whether their stupidity made us laugh or brought us to tears, they certainly made this year eventful!

1. Kicking off the list are the fools behind my favorite news story of the year - Richard and Mayumi Heene aka Balloon Boy's parents. I could think of 100 better things to do with tin foil, but these idiots decided to craft a UFO shaped balloon and plot one of the biggest hoaxes of the year.

Claiming that their 6-yr-old son was on the board, these bullshit artists tearfully expressed fears that their little Falcon could be inside. Surprise, surprise - the kid was hiding in the attic the whole time. In an interview with Wolf Blitzer, Falcon revealed "You guys said we did this for the show." Props to Falcon for calling BS on his d-bag parents and their pathetic publicity stunt.

My favorite part of this story: Poor little Falcon vomiting in a tupperware container on national TV as his bros look on in disgust and his fame-whore parents continue with the interview. DYFS please???

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Just Say No

Best quote EVER: "I think we're dead"

Who would trust this fool with a gun, or even handcuffs for that matter!

Sunday, November 29, 2009

Yet another reason why people consider NJ to be the armpit of America...

Dear MTV,

Please get your facts straight. Just because you shot some horrendous footage of north Jersey/Staten Island guidos invading our beaches doesn't make this an accurate representation of the Jersey shore. You make me embarassed to even be associated with this state, nevermind the shore area. I can't promise I won't be watching when the show premieres this week but I can promise you that I will need to consume massive quantities of alcohol in order to stomach this atrocity that you call reality TV.

A Real Jersey Shore Girl

P.S. - The pit stains on the fist-pumpin' tool in the trailer are a nice touch.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Tool Family

Food and beverage: $200

Decorative flowers: $25

Fine crystal china: $400

Entertainment including naked fat kid and guitar: $35

Uncle Charlie getting ready to shit in the dining room garbage can: Priceless

Thursday, October 8, 2009

Any questions as to why she's still single?

That's what you get for prancing around in a clown mask you dumbass.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009


Best website EVER!!

Tuesday, October 6, 2009


This guy's an idiot, but I can't say I wouldn't try this myself just for fun...

Monday, October 5, 2009

Sexy Six Pack

Nascar fan + too many Coors Lights + tattoo parlor = not good

Monday, September 28, 2009

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Celeb Tool of the Week: Suri Cruise

Most stylish toddler of 2008? High heels + 3-year-old = not okay.

For any of you planning on making babies anytime soon, here's a rule of thumb: if your kid is still toting around their stuffed animal, skip the kitten heels!

Tuesday, September 22, 2009


(People.com) -- After losing her beloved Maltipoo Daisy to a coyote attack, Jessica Simpson may be at the lowest point of her life, friends fear.

Jessica Simpson's friends are worried about the singer since her dog, Daisy, disappeared last week.

"Daisy was her baby," one of them told PEOPLE. "It's going to put her into a tailspin. It will put her into the worst place ever."

Daisy was snatched away by a coyote before Simpson's very eyes in Los Angeles last week, and, despite Simpson's refusal to quit searching and offer of a reward, no sign has been seen of the caramel-colored dog.

She was given the dog by [her] then-husband Nick Lachey in 2004, and Jessica and Daisy became inseparable.

"She won't leave her parents' house," a source said.

"Whenever things went wrong for Jessica, she reached for Daisy," another source, a friend, said. "Daisy was her security blanket. When people let her down, she always had Daisy."

Don't Miss
Jessica Simpson's dog snatched by a coyote
On September 19, her stylist pal Ken Paves convinced Simpson to finally leave her parents' house. They went to Vino in Encino, California, for an attempt to perk her up.

"Jessica seemed okay, but wasn't smiling much," an onlooker said. "The wine made her relax a bit, but it was still obvious that she was having a devastating week."

Unconditional Love

Daisy was perhaps one of the most pampered pets in Hollywood. Simpson fed Daisy steak, not dog food, and referred to herself as "Daisy's Mommy." When leaving the house, Simpson left on the air-conditioning for her dog; and when Daisy was sick, Simpson refused visitors so that they wouldn't wake Daisy. She threw Daisy birthday parties, and when she talked about having a "girls' night in" with a video, she was talking about herself and Daisy.
"Jessica has a very small inner circle," the friend said. "But she always had Daisy. Daisy gave her unconditional love."

And, unlike some of the men in her life, the friend added, "Daisy never betrayed her. Daisy was always there for her. This is serious. Jessica's heart is broken."

Whenever she was out at night, Simpson called home and had "someone put Daisy on the phone so she could say goodnight."

"Daisy ran the household," the friend said. "If Daisy didn't like you, you were gone. Sometimes if her regular hair and makeup people weren't available and Jessica had a sit-in, if Daisy didn't like them, they wouldn't be back. Daisy ran the roost."

When Simpson was having relationship problems, "she would cry herself to sleep at night, using Daisy as a pillow."

It won't be easy to find a replacement, another friend said.

Needy and Clingy

"Jessica is very needy. She is very clingy," the friend said. "She is so sweet, but sometimes because of that she's hard to be around. It's not always easy. She hates to be alone. That's what happened with [ex-boyfriend and Dallas Cowboys quarterback] Tony [Romo]. Jessica smothers people. She doesn't really have any hobbies. Daisy was exactly what Jessica needed."

All of the sources agreed on one point: It's been a tough year for Jessica Simpson.

"I want her to catch a break," the first friend said.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Saturday, September 12, 2009

What I Imagine Goes on at a NASCAR Race

Is it bad if I actually know one of these people??

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Douche Cologne

Going wih the douche theme of the week...

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Friday, September 4, 2009

Random Thoughts From People Our Age

1. -I wish Google Maps had an “Avoid Ghetto” routing option.
2. -More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can’t wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that’s not only better, but also more directly involves me.
3. -Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.
4. -I don’t understand the purpose of the line, “I don’t need to drink to have fun.” Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they’ve invented the lighter?
5. -Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you’re going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you’re crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.
6. -That’s enough, Nickelback.
7. -I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.
8. -Is it just me, or are 80% of the people in the “people you may know” feature on Facebook people that I do know, but I deliberately choose not to be friends with?
9. -Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn’t work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ’s. We just figured it out. Today’s kids are soft.
10. -There is a great need for sarcasm font.
11. -Sometimes, I’ll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the f was going on when I first saw it.
12. -I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I’ll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone’s laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I’m still the only one who really, really gets it.
13. -How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
14. -I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
15. - I think part of a best friend’s job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
16. -The only time I look forward to a red light is when I’m trying to finish a text.
17. - A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.
18. - Was learning cursive really necessary?
19. - Lol has gone from meaning, “laugh out loud” to “I have nothing else to say”.
20. - I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
21. - Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron test is absolutely petrifying.
22. - My brother’s Municipal League baseball team is named the Stepdads. Seeing as none of the guys on the team are actual stepdads, I inquired about the name. He explained, “Cuz we beat you, and you hate us.” Classy, bro.
23. - Whenever someone says “I’m not book smart, but I’m street smart”, all I hear is “I’m not real smart, but I’m imaginary smart”.
24. - How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear what they said?
25. - I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a dick from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!
26. - Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using ‘as in’ examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot. Today I had to spell my boss’s last name to an attorney and said “Yes that’s G as in…(10 second lapse)..ummm…Goonies”
27. -What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?
28. - While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it…thanks Mario Kart.
29. - MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
30. - Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
31. - I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.
32. -Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
33. - I would like to officially coin the phrase ‘catching the swine flu’ to be used as a way to make fun of a friend for hooking up with an overweight woman. Example: “Dave caught the swine flu last night.”
34. -I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind of tired.
35. - Bad decisions make good stories
36. -Whenever I’m Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don’t mind if I do!
37. - Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year?
38. -If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible.
39. -Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I’m from, this shouldn’t be a problem….
40. -You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you’ve made up your mind that you just aren’t doing anything productive for the rest of the day.
41. -Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don’t want to have to restart my collection.
42. -There’s no worse feeling than that millisecond you’re sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.
43. -I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.
44. - “Do not machine wash or tumble dry” means I will never wash this ever.
45. -I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV. There’s so much pressure. ‘I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren’t watching this. It’s only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?’
46. -I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Dammit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What’d you do after I didn’t answer? Drop the phone and run away?
47. - I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
48. -When I meet a new girl, I’m terrified of mentioning something she hasn’t already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
49. -I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it’s on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.
50. -Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles…
51. - As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
52. -Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
53. -It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.
54. -I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
55. -Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn’t know what to do with it.
56. -Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, hitting the G-spot, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I’d bet my ass everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time…
57. -My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day “Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?” How the hell do I respond to that?
58. -It really pisses me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and the link takes me to a video instead of text.
59. -I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.
60. -I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
61. -I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.

Thursday, September 3, 2009

Yes, children can be tools

This video makes Tool Time for the awkward little girl in the background. She should look at how cool her brother is and feel bad about her life.

How to spot a tool by his t-shirt

Sunday, August 30, 2009

The '90s are over buddy

I don't care if you're at a Giants game, these pants are not okay.

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Reason #623,746,932 why it was necessary for me to start this blog

Last night I got some great blog material when I encountered what I consider to be the epitome of a tool. If I were to present awards, this guy would surely win one for the week, possibly the month/year. So I was on the last stretch of a 4 mile jog through Millburn last night, sweating like a pig, gasping for air, and ready to die when I see a car slow down next to me. It drives a bit further down the street then turns around and comes back toward me. Now although Millburn is a nice, safe town, living in the ghetto of Orange until recently made me fearful of situations like this. As I prepare to duck to avoid what I foresee as a drive-by shooting, the car comes to a complete stop next to me. I look over to find Mr. Tool staring at me- driving SHIRTLESS (at 9:30pm, obvi not necessary) with what appeared to be a spray-on tan and a hair bleaching/combover job he did himself.

Tool: Hey!
Me: Hi.
Tool: I just wanted to let you know you look GREAT!! Keep up the good work, it’s really paying off.
[Proceeds to give me a huge thumbs up and a cheesy grin that looks cute only on infants]
Me: [Utter and total speechlessness]

Did God really make people this stupid?

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Tailgating Tools

Tool Initiation Process:
1. Dunk your head in ice for 10 seconds
2. Get a styrofoam cooler smashed on your head
3. Chug a beer.
4. Repeat as necessary to achieve desired level of tool.


If you're gonna take the time to vandalize a dumpster, is this really the best you could come up with?

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Tool #1

This guy wins the award for biggest moose knuckle EVER - an easy choice for my first ever blog post.

If you don't know what a moose knuckle is, don't ask.