Sunday, August 30, 2009

The '90s are over buddy

I don't care if you're at a Giants game, these pants are not okay.

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Reason #623,746,932 why it was necessary for me to start this blog

Last night I got some great blog material when I encountered what I consider to be the epitome of a tool. If I were to present awards, this guy would surely win one for the week, possibly the month/year. So I was on the last stretch of a 4 mile jog through Millburn last night, sweating like a pig, gasping for air, and ready to die when I see a car slow down next to me. It drives a bit further down the street then turns around and comes back toward me. Now although Millburn is a nice, safe town, living in the ghetto of Orange until recently made me fearful of situations like this. As I prepare to duck to avoid what I foresee as a drive-by shooting, the car comes to a complete stop next to me. I look over to find Mr. Tool staring at me- driving SHIRTLESS (at 9:30pm, obvi not necessary) with what appeared to be a spray-on tan and a hair bleaching/combover job he did himself.

Tool: Hey!
Me: Hi.
Tool: I just wanted to let you know you look GREAT!! Keep up the good work, it’s really paying off.
[Proceeds to give me a huge thumbs up and a cheesy grin that looks cute only on infants]
Me: [Utter and total speechlessness]

Did God really make people this stupid?

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Tailgating Tools

Tool Initiation Process:
1. Dunk your head in ice for 10 seconds
2. Get a styrofoam cooler smashed on your head
3. Chug a beer.
4. Repeat as necessary to achieve desired level of tool.


If you're gonna take the time to vandalize a dumpster, is this really the best you could come up with?

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Tool #1

This guy wins the award for biggest moose knuckle EVER - an easy choice for my first ever blog post.

If you don't know what a moose knuckle is, don't ask.