2. Most Pathetic Tool of 2009: Jessica Simpson
Oh boy, where to start with this girl. I was and still am a huge fan of J. Simp minus her movie roles - I don't care how hot her legs look in booty shorts, The Dukes of Hazzard is a poor excuse for a movie. Sharing a birth month, blonde locks, and a love of 98 Degrees, I can't help but relate to her. However, this year brought me nothing but embarassment when it came to Jessica.
Moping around and still mourning her divorce from Nick, she was pathetic and almost as emo as her bro-in-law Pete Wentz. Time to get over it and move on sista, Nick's doing big things now - like Vanessa Minnillo and hosting The Sing-Off. Good attempt at a rebound bf with Tony Romo, but she did nothing but screw up his game and make Cowboy fans wish she would die a slow miserable death. Yet another sad saga, as he dumps her only to get engaged to another hot blonde and former Miss Missouri.
Naturally the breakup made Jessica blew up like a whale - which might be acceptable for the average joe but doesnt fly when you're loaded enough to buy your own gym, nevermind hire a good personal trainer. To add to her misery, her precious maltipoo Daisy was gobbled up by a coyote. Boo hoo. Jessica should've kept the damn pup in her Louis Vuitton dog carrier for another few minutes and this never would've happened.
This may have been the worst year of your life but keep your head up Jess- go buy a new puppy, keep up with your workout routine, and meet up with Ken Paves for a blowout and drinks. After a few cosmos you'll be feeling fine. And just remember - these boots were made for walkin'!