Day # 12: Top Tool of 2009

So announcing the Top Tool of 2009 may be somewhat anticlimatic, but this individual is far too deserving to let him slip by. I'll go so far as to say that not only is he the biggest tool of the year, but also the most disappointing athlete of the decade and the best example of how NOT to handle a PR crisis.

Top Tool Tiger and 7 Reasons He Topped the List



And if that wasn't enough proof, here are Reasons #8 and 9. Yes, these are his adorably sweet children. The ones he left at home to partake in threesomes, romp stomps and other dirty sexcapades. Despite the fact that he was married- to a REALLY HOT WIFE.



I'm gonna go vom, thinking about this jerkoff is making me sick. So that's all folks. Whether you loved it or wanna fight me over some of my picks, I hope this top tool list at least kept you entertained!

Day #11: Top Tools of 2009

11. Speidi

As much as it pains me to include them because they'd probably enjoy the attention, this obnoxious couple makes the list for being two of the most overexposed celebs of the year. On "I'm a Celebrity...Get Me Out of Here", the TV sluts pussed out after claiming that they were being tortured and held against their will. Who would want to keep these people anywhere? If I had to take bets, I'd say the rest of the cast chipped in and paid them to leave. To make matters worse, Heidi & Spence are totally open about being fame whores as evidenced in their book "How to Be Famous." The only thing worse than this book is Heidi's music video. I am embarassed for them.

Too bad they didn't contract swine :(



P.S. - Don't ever pick a fight with my boy Al Roker again. He may have lost half his body weight but he could still destroy both of you with his eyes closed.

Day #10: Top Tools of 2009

10. Miley Cyrus
I like her music but she sucks as a person.

Photo Evidence:



Not a fan of incest, I think she took "daddy's little girl" too literally.



She was allowed to pose for this at age 15? Doesn't this qualify as kiddy porn?

Day #9: Top Tools of 2009

9. Snooki Beater

This tool makes the list for perhaps the most notorious right hook of 2009. This guy is a teacher? As in he's educating America's youth? He should retire immediately and start training for UFC. Or run in front of traffic. Snooki may be obnoxious at times and he may have been shit tanked but there is NEVER an excuse to hit a girl, nevermind sucker punch one the way he did. Where is this boy's mother?

He claims: "It's all fuzzy. I remember a punch — I don't remember who or why. I couldn't believe that I'd ever do anything like that." Yea I bet, dbag.



Side tool: "The Situation" and all 8 of his abs for still trying to mack it to girls outside the bar even after Snickerdoodle got decked.

Day #8: Top Tools of 2009

8. Jon & Kate (minus 8)

Her: An overbearing, anal retentive ex-wife and mother who needs a stronger dose of Valium (and to never let anyone see her prego or pre-tummy tuck ever again)

Woof


Him: A sloppy man slut who preys on young, media-whore women and missed the memo that Ed Hardy tees went out of style with trucker hats

Sloppy


I can't say I blame them for being such terrible individuals, they're from east bumblef*ck PA and probably had nothing better to do than suck at life. I do blame them for the media circus they have thrown their adorable kids into. If they really wanna create a buzz, Jon should start bangin Octomom. The only good that came out of 2009 for the Gosselins was Kate's new haircut...

Day #7: Top Tools of 2009

7. Kanye West

And the award for Cockiest Cockhead of 2009 goes to...wait, is he gonna interrupt me and say that Beyonce really deserved this one too? I'm surprised this tool hasn't told Obama he's not worthy of the presidency. No matter what way you shake it, his little stunt at the VMAs was a dick move. The worst part was he wasn't stealing the thunder from any old pop-singing slut, it was young, innocent little Taylor. This dbag needs to pick on someone his own size. Unless him and Beyonce are secretly smushing, there's no reason he should feel that strongly about the Single Ladies video. Please Kanye, put the bottle of Hennessy away and sit the hell down.



Side note: Thank you Beyonce for being such a class act and attempting to salvage at least some of TSwift's nite.

Day #6: Top Tools of 2009

6. Chris Brown

In the spirit of Christmas, I took a minor hiatus from my top tools list. Christmas is over, the bitch in me is back and we only have a few days left to wrap this up. Getting back to the list, #6 is the most abusive, villainous, hate-able tool of the year. I don't care how much you liked "Forever," this guy will forever be a tool in my book.

Signs You're a Huge D-Bag:
- You beat a woman
- You beat a beautiful, talented, famous woman
- You beat a beautiful, talented, famous woman leaving a party that every celeb and their mom was at

Repulsive. Even more repulsive is the community sentence service he got away with. He deserves to have his vocal chords sliced out so he can never utter another disgusting word.